Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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