The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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