Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
