gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just invented taco cereal.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
