I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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