Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
