I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
