my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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