Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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