You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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