I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
