You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
