he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
