my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
