the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
