Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
