Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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