420 ftw
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
