Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
