I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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