He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
