The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
