Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
