I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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