nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
