Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
