I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
