She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
