Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
