remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
is wine microwaveable?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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