Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
