we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
