the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
