This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
