Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There's always time for handjobs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
