When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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