And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
