I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
