Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
