Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
