apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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