I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
