when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Small penises have feelings too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
