Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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