After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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