You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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