When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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