You made me cry and you don't even care
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
