Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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