So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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