I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
