I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
