So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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