my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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