I accidentally burped into my bong.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
