hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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