I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
