Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
