I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
