I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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